It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
