Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
