I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
