just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Couch. On fire.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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