I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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