I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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