Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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