arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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