You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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