I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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