fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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