Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
