i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
