he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
