i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
