I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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