you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
