i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
