I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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