you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
