My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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