i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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