Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
