you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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