i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
