Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
