Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
