The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
