if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Randomize
