...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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