The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
