can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
