wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
