my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
