I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
