I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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