I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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