Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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