I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
