i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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