You made me cry and you don't even care
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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