I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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