you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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