you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
