Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
