you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
