Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
