I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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