I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am one with the molecules
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
