So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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